A few days ago, I was on a boat and I have never felt so connected to something in nature as the water that day. It may have been the large amounts of THC in my system but the water spoke to me out there. After gazing at the waves for what felt like hours something clicked in my head. In many ways, I found that humans and water have a lot in common.
When water is flowing naturally there usually aren’t many waves, but the second a large boat comes by the waves start coming. It goes from pleasant to rough in a matter of moments and there’s nothing you can do but ride the wave out. But the beautiful thing is if you power through it and wait it out it all goes back to normal. For the longest time, I was the unbothered water, the last month has been my boat.
My world has been flipped upside down recently. From taking on more responsibility at work, to relationship issues, to forgetting who I am deep inside, to RBI being sold. I know inside I must ride this tough wave out but it’s deeper than that. I’m hitting a point in my life where it’s put up or shut up, I’ve got to make shit happen. It’s scary to think that I’m getting to the point where someone is going to depend on me for the rest of my life. Honestly, it’s something I’ve never thought of until now and it’s terrifying.
Having a girlfriend has always been hard for me. Being committed to one person for the rest of my life seems like a daunting task. Part of it is because I’m still selfish and I never liked that I had to think of someone else during every decision. A lot of the time I think what it would be like to go through these tough patches by myself. Sometimes I think is it worth it? All the time and effort we put into it just to fight about stupid shit? The good outweigh the bad but sometimes I think how it would be. I think about all the pain and suffering I’ve put her through and the worst thing is I know she doesn’t deserve it. I think about ending it sometimes just to save her from me. I always told her she didn’t want this life.
Is she a boat to my water as well? Or is this just a wave that I must get through? You see where my heads at?
You add that on top of trying to stay afloat it gets overwhelming. It feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and there’s nothing I can do to get it off. No matter how much alcohol or weed I intake it’s never enough. The pain is still there, so is the pressure.
The only thing that takes the pain away is when I succeed. Being petty and rubbing it in people’s faces is what usually gets me through trials and tribulations. It feels like my water will never be calm, but if being great was easy then everybody would do it.